Meet Our September Woman Crush: Francesca Specter
This month we are featuring the inspiring author and podcast host, Francesca Specter! I first came across her platform as I was researching different books to include in the Single Girl Book Club and her book Alonement caught my eye. I loved how she was teaching women how to view their singleness differently and how to enjoy their time alone.
I am so honored to highlight her and learn more about what she is doing to help dismantle the negative single narrative.
Tell us About Yourself!
I’m Francesca Specter, author of Alonement: How To Be Alone & Absolutely Own It and host of the Alonement podcast, which is currently in its seventh season. I also work as a freelance celebrity interviewer for GLAMOUR, conducting interviews with inspirational, high-profile women such as Dakota Johnson and Millie Bobby Brown. Aside from that, I’m a freelance lifestyle writer, contributing to publications such as RED, The Telegraph and Grazia.
What do you feel your singleness journey has taught you about yourself?
I’ve been single for almost four years, after splitting with a long term partner in late 2018. The time I’ve spent in relationships, in the past, has been one where I’ve deprioritised my needs and personal development, while developing an unhealthy dependence on my partners. During this period, I’ve dated a lot and had some short term relationships, but nothing long term. I feel more ‘myself’ than ever, have made my professional dreams happen and deepened what I hope will be lifelong friendships together with moving towards a more ‘adult friendship’ dynamic with my family as an individual.
What do you think is a common misconception about being single?
I think people assume being single is more lonely than being in a couple, when actually some of the loneliest times in my life has been in a bad relationship. I also think we don’t give being single enough credit for what a rich, fruitful opportunity if presents to focus on yourself. Instead, we perceive relationships as the way towards a general happy ending - and dating app marketing, plus rom coms and the parental expectation you’ll be happy once you ‘settle down’ can underpin this - wherever I’ve found achieving my goals (friendship, professional, hobbies) easier while single.
I was inspired to write Alonement after, in the aftermath in my breakup four years ago, I tried to cure myself by being around other people almost constantly, like booking terrible dates or tagging along to friend of friend’s parties - and it wasn’t making me feel better. Although I lived alone, I had no capacity to be comfortably alone (by which I mean solitary) for even an hour - and I wondered if that in itself was a problem. Developing the capacity to enjoy positive solitude (which I’ve dubbed ‘Alonement’), alongside my existing strong fulfilling social connections, made me calmer, more confident and happier - and I wanted to share that message more wisely as it hadn’t got enough airtime elsewhere.
What are ways you combat loneliness in the season?
Loneliness is a normal inclination, like thirst - and I think it’s only once we identify that rather than being ashamed of it that we can move forwards towards treating it. Beyond that, it’s worth exploring what kind of connection you’re looking for (eg have you been to plenty of busy work events recently, but not had a serious heart to heart in a while?) and actively seeking that.
I treat myself like a boring parent would - putting myself to bed on time, making myself cups of tea and home cooked meals, washing my hair. It doesn’t sound radical, but the effects are. It’s very easy to confuse self love with a capitalist perception of it, eg buying an expensive candle equals loving yourself - but that’s not the same thing.
What words of wisdom do you wish to share with other Single Women?
Value this period of your life, because it’s a valuable one and it might well not last forever - and I say that as a warning, not a consolation. You might occasionally get comments that undermine your lifestyle, but they say more about the limited perspective of those asking - aim to inspire and show them how fulfilling a single life can be. We spend too much time as single women worrying about not being enough - when this is ironically the time when we can invest the most in ourselves.