How to Break Toxic Dating Patterns & Learn to Love Yourself Better
Have you ever heard the parable of the two young fish? It goes a little something like this: two young fish were swimming along when they came across an older fish swimming the opposite way. The older fish greets them by saying “Morning boys, how’s the water?” and swims off. After a bit of silence, one of the young fish says to the other, “What the hell is water?”.
That’s the thing about being stuck in toxic dating patterns - oftentimes you’re not even aware of the patterns you’re stuck in. If you don’t know any different, then it’s just like a fish living unaware of the reality of its day-to-day surroundings. So the first and most important step is to take a birds eye view, look at your love life and be willing to admit where you might be out of alignment. For many of us, we’re repeating patterns that we saw modeled to us in childhood and that’s why we don’t know any different. In order to recognize that what you are experiencing is not healthy or normal, you have to acquire some examples of what healthy looks like. Observe different types of relationships online, in media, and IRL, and decide for yourself which ones seem to be healthier than what you’re currently experiencing.
As a holistic therapist and relationship coach who specializes in helping people break these patterns (and also had to break quite a few of my own), these are the main steps towards having a healthier love life:
First & Most Important is Being Willing to Spend Some Time Single
Think of it like your opportunity to do a deep dive into healing from your past and creating a foundation of healthy self-love before inviting someone else into the party. When I knew I was ready for this, I committed to spending at least one full year single (aka not dating at all, not even on the market). It ended up being more than two years and was the most transformative and empowering period of my life.
Explore Your Childhood
Most of our relationship issues like insecure attachment styles, codependency, communication problems, and low self-worth are all rooted in our childhood. Actively doing the work to heal and connect with your inner child can create radical shifts in your love life.
Identify Deal Breakers & Non-Negotiables
This step is all about getting very clear on what you do want, as well as what you don't want. That way you will have a much easier time saying "no" to the people who show up who ultimately don't align with your values and desires. Non-negotiables are the things you cannot live without in a relationship, and deal breakers are the things you know you absolutely cannot live with.
Set Boundaries and Create Space for Healthy Love
Now that you are clear and ready for love, you have to make space for them to show up. That could mean physically clearing space (like in your closet or nightstand), or energetically clearing space (by finally cutting ties with your ex or ending that situationship you've been in too long). When the space is clear, they are much more likely to show up. Taking these actions is the embodiment of all the inner work you’ve been doing.
Every person is different and has their own unique history and heart wounds to address, but these steps are a really great place to start. Ultimately, breaking toxic dating patterns is about learning to love yourself better. You get to become the example of how you want to be treated. And when you do that, I promise it becomes so much easier to remain single until you meet the right person for you. You deserve to be loved well.
If you are looking for guidance & support in this process, there are two ways you can work with me: you can learn more about my private coaching programs and holistic therapy sessions at www.megansherer.com. And if you want something more affordable to take at your own pace, check out my self-guided therapy app at www.yourselfcarespace.com.
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