How to Healthily Cope with a Break-Up
Okay. You’re single. Again. You may want to ask yourself things like, “How did this happen,” “What did I do wrong,” or “Did I bring this on myself by neglecting something?”
If you find yourself in this hole, you need to stop digging. Shifting your focus after a breakup is the most beneficial thing you could do for your mental, emotional, spiritual, and even physical health.
My last breakup had me crying into the darkness of my room and questioning my self-worth. I was upset. This person hurt me so much by walking away. I didn’t respond to red flags when they came up and became frustrated about the situation I was in. I kept asking myself, “How on Earth did I give away so much of my power and believe I was acting out of love?
Soon, I began to realize that the more I was feeding into these hurtful thoughts centered around self-doubt and emotional mutilation, the less I was taking care of myself.
Grieving the relationship and what it could have been transitioned to grieving who I used to be. It was weird to think I missed the version of myself who chose unhealthy situations, ignored my needs for the sake of being liked, denied responsibility for my emotions and actions, and gave my power away.
My sadness and regret weren’t about the breakup; the breakup was inevitable, and I couldn’t sit in the mental space believing it was my fault. Instead, I made it my responsibility. I began to value my choices more and, little by little, healed the authority I had in my life. I took the initiative to stop grieving who I was and look at myself in the mirror to admit I was scared of who I wanted to be. The version of myself who believes in my goals, believes in my abilities, upholds my boundaries, and is intentional about the people I keep in my life.
I realized how powerful I am, how beautiful I am, how capable I am, and ultimately how lovable I am. Regardless of the reasons the relationship ended, I now could make the choice to prioritize a new concept of joy.
Joy does not center around the person I’m with; it comes from within. It’s a choice to rekindle the power and care I put into my life. As you're reading this, probably with a freshly tattered heart, it might sound all too much to change your mindset. I agree; it’s not going to happen in one moment or overnight. Actually, it’s going to be hard. You’re going to have to challenge yourself in a new way. Become aware of your emotions and needs in a new way because, for one reason or another, the relationship you were in inhibited you from connecting to yourself in the way you truly needed.
No one can ever love us more than we love ourselves. The attention you give to your emotions is where all your power lies. Taking care of yourself can mean having ice cream, going to the gym, meditating, or listening to screamo music. No one can live inside your body. No one person can satisfy all of your needs, so it becomes important to listen to your intuition.
Focus on what you want, act on what you have influence over, and allow yourself grace and patience as you recalibrate to this ‘new’ reality of being single.
Now, it may seem like too much for me to sit here and talk about focus when you’re experiencing all of this emotional turmoil. So, let me give some more tangible examples of how you can get through this time with grace, create momentum for your new life, and reorient yourself to your greatness.
Start with following the dopamine. Engage in what feels good. Invite yourself to activities that bring you joy and a sense of pride or belonging in this world. I’m not saying to call and text your ex because it satisfies the codependent part of you, falling into the arms of another person as rebound, or transferring your dependence to alcohol and drugs.
I’m talking about putting your focus into your crafts, your friends, your kids or family, TV shows you know will make you laugh, and taking walks in the tree or garden-filled part of town. Chances are, if you come up with something that will feel good, it’s your mind signaling to you a chance to heal and reconnect with who you really are. Create this opportunity for yourself.
Allow yourself to open your eyes to life, the eyes that were closed shut because of the experience of the breakup.
You are capable of great things! Your smile is brilliant! You are built out of the same energy that creates galaxies, moves the oceans, and makes a flower bloom.
Now, I want to be explicit when I say that taking care of yourself goes deeper than taking a bath or eating a cupcake. Understand you are healing from a wound; it’s one you may not see on the skin, but it exists below the surface. Dressing this wound, cleaning it, and putting something like Neosporin on it is going to look different from something on the inside. It’s going to take consistent choices like noticing those self-damaging thoughts, (which can be like picking at a scab) and taking the route to not pick at yourself.
Often I see people turn to their God, affirmation videos on YouTube, journaling, yoga, healthier eating, and things of the like. Investing your time and focus into yourself looks like a lot of different things.
Self-care after a breakup is restoring your relationship with the deepest and most profound parts of your life, reconnecting to the subtle beauties in and around you.
Situating yourself into a position where you can truly be honest with yourself, allow yourself to go through the grieving process for what the relationship was, what it could have been, as well as who you were during that time. Self-care is being real with yourself and sometimes literally looking yourself in the eye through the mirror and saying out loud what you are afraid of with this new journey in your life. Self-care is coming to appreciate and nurture the emotions you are going through and giving yourself the patience and understanding to go through them without judgment of how the relationship or situation ended.
You will get to the other side of this. Through adjusting your focus and centering joy with your actions, you’ll soon see you are capable of great things, finding love again, and healing those parts of you that were too hard to engage with before.
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