The Single Girl Book Club Review: Owning Our Struggles by Minaa B., LMSW
When I first heard that Minaa B was coming out with a book, I immediately went to pre-order it on Amazon. I had been subscribed to her newsletter on Substack for some time, and I wanted to read more about what she had to say about relationships and community— specifically, how healing can happen within them.
To say that this book changed me would be an understatement. Minaa highlights the different struggles we all occasionally feel in our lifetime, and each chapter digs deeper into those struggles while offering tangible steps on how to handle them. However, the chapter that stood out to me the most was Chapter 5: The Struggle for Intimacy. The title alone hit me like a ton of bricks because I have been struggling with intimacy for quite some time, and my struggles have intensified because of the holiday season.
In this chapter, Minaa talks about her experience as a single woman (one I know all too well) and how to move through loneliness to foster partnership and friendship. She speaks on the duality of our emotions and states that it is possible to love ourselves and still seek to be loved by another. She even goes further by stating that relationships have added benefits and can help with the increase of community care.
What was the biggest takeaway
Although many gems were shared in this chapter—it was her explanation of ambiguous loss that stuck out to me the most. I had never heard of the phrase but immediately understood how it felt. She explains that it’s the grief we feel that comes with being single, with an added layer of additional grief we feel for the lack of empathy we get from others about our marital status. It is the loss we feel when we put in all this effort to date and find a potential partner but then are met with disappointment after disappointment. It’s the frustration and the sad emotions that arise when we are expressing our desire for partnership just to be told by others that we have a lack of self-love.
“It is quite possible to love yourself and still seek to be loved by someone else.” “and single people have a right to want to participate in this kind of relational structure and should not be shamed for it.” — Minaa B., LMSW
She eventually digs deeper and talks bout the correlation between ambiguous loss and over-romanticizing—something my Pisces moon does too often—and how self destructive this behavior can be. “Overromanticizing a person enhances our feelings for them based not on the effort they put in in real life but the effort they are putting in our mind.” I really gotta stop doing that!
Another big takeaway for me, were the healthy practices she shared to help deal with emotional distress. To avoid giving too much away—I’ll share my favorite one. Healthy escapism. It’s a healthy way to escape from the real world. One of my favorite ways to do this is through a good YA fiction novel. The last one I read was Blood Debts by Terry J. Benton Walker and I am itching for the sequel to come out in April next year! Other ways people can healthily escape is through gardening, cooking, and mindfulness.
How I’m applying it to my life
This book helped me to give myself grace and be more vulnerable. I’ve noticed that I tend to speak more on the beautiful moments of being single and I am not being honest with myself about the difficult parts too! Its like I’m drowning myself in toxic positivity to avoid the shame that is thrown by others. I questioned whether or not my self-love was great enough and if my desire for partnership was only formed by society’s expectation for me as a woman. But it’s not. I want a healthy partnership—one that I didn’t have growing up and I’m tired of being shamed for it.
Owning this part of me will make the impact of ridicule from others subside. It will help me remember that these feelings aren’t reserved for the un-partnered and loneliness is an issue that we all face. Owning Our Stuggles, has given me the tools I need to have a better relationship with myself so that I can have better relationships with others in my community. It’s the perfect read for every single girl in this community and it’s something I highly suggest you read.
This book may trigger you, but it will help you grow!
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