Are You Struggling With Codependency: Here Is How I Unpacked Mine
It’s 4 AM and I am in bed wide awake, a glaring empty space next to me where the man I live with is supposed to be. What I’m feeling is familiar because this happens all the time. I teeter between the usual emotions- rage, worry, sadness. It’s clear I won’t be sleeping tonight. I pick up my phone and start typing, desperate to find something that will bring me relief. “My partner binge drinks and disappears.”
I feel pathetic because I know that what I’m going through can’t be alleviated by a Google search, but I’m paralyzed by my desperation to make this work. I love him and therefore I can tolerate this. I just need some advice.
I start combing through a Reddit thread of people who have had similar experiences to what I’m going through. Someone mentions Al-Anon, one of the only things I haven’t tried at this point, and I decide that I want to go to a meeting. If he isn’t going to change his behavior and I’m not going to leave, then at the very least I am going to need support.
For those who aren’t familiar with Al Anon, it is a support and discussion group for the loved ones of people with alcohol use disorder, operated in conjunction with Alcoholics Anonymous.
This event and the Al-Anon meeting I went to that morning are what helped me discover the real root of all my past and present relationship woes: I am codependent.
Codependency doesn’t have a clinical diagnosis. It covers a broad spectrum of learned behaviors that can apply to friendships, work, family, and in the case of many codependents- romantic relationships. There is another layer to codependency, which is that it’s most often associated with those of us who love addicts. Learning that I was codependent felt like I had found the missing piece to a puzzle I had been trying to solve my entire life. I didn’t share anything at that first Al-Anon meeting I went to, I just sat and listened and sobbed. I wasn’t crying because I was sad, I was crying because I was relieved. To see the faces of people who had gone through the same anguish I had and had found support, community, and seemingly happiness, felt like a bright light at the end of the dark tunnel I had been living in.
Almost every person I had been in relationships with throughout my life was an addict in one form or another. I have dated drug addicts, sex addicts, binge drinkers, alcoholics, and gamblers. I’ve spent nights in emergency rooms and police stations. I’ve driven my car through drug-infested neighborhoods at all hours searching for my partner. I’ve shown up at bars in sweats with mascara running down my face. I’ve marched into houses I had no business being in and dragged people out. I’ve attempted to manipulate, to control. I’ve screamed and cried and threatened and pleaded and begged on my knees. None of it worked. My pain was never enough to get them to change and it destroyed me. I now know that my agony was rooted in a thought that had lived in the back of my mind since I can remember: If the person I love doesn’t love me enough to stop hurting me, that means I’m not worthy of love.
I had no awareness that this thought dictated all of my behavior. I couldn’t say no and I had no boundaries. I lived to please other people to the point of burnout, exhaustion, and resentment. I wanted to be loved by others so badly that I didn’t even realize that I was withholding love from the person who needed it most- myself.
Codependency is a tricky thing because it can look like kindness and generosity from the outside, but in reality, it stems from a deep need for external validation and control. Since we can only control ourselves, this sets codependents up for constant disappointment. Here are some signs that you might be codependent or have codependent tendencies:
Putting others’ needs before your own
Saying “yes” to things that you want to say “no” to
Feeling responsible for other’s well-being
Discomfort communicating boundaries
Making excuses for someone else’s bad behavior
Conflict avoidance and/or extreme reactivity
Attempting to control through manipulation/ultimatums
Ex: “If you do X I’m going to do Y”
Caretaking- taking care of someone’s responsibilities, mothering them, providing emotional & financial support that isn’t reciprocated
If this resonates with you, you’re probably wondering where to go from here. Ideally, anyone who is suffering from this would have the resources to go to therapy, but I recognize this isn’t the case. My best tips on how to heal from codependency are as follows:
Positive affirmations
Try to be kind to yourself even when you don’t want to be. Codependency thrives on low self esteem. Every morning I look in the mirror and say something I like about myself (this was hard at first).
Self care
Prioritize caring for your mind & body. This can look like physical exercise, eating healthy nourishing food, taking breaks from your phone, being in nature, etc. When you spend all your time focusing on others it’s easy to neglect yourself. Little acts of self care send messages to your brain that you are loved, supported, and cared for. It is powerful.
Find a Hobby
Yoga was a game changer for me. Not only is it great for my mental and physical health, but it’s my little slice of “me time” every day where I can get on the mat, zone out, and do something that’s just for me. Find something you really love and carve out some time- even if it’s just 1 hour a week.
Mindfulness Meditation
This is a must for codependents. Mindfulness is the act of being completely present. Since codependents are riddled with anxiety about other people, mindfulness keeps us grounded in the moment and in our own bodies.
Find Someone to Confide in
I can not stress the importance of having a person who you can lean on without judgment. For some, this is friends and family, but for others, that’s too close to home, which brings me to my next suggestion:
Attend a Meeting
My entire life changed because of an Al Anon meeting. You will be met with kindness, warmth, and understanding which is something that all codependents desperately need. I now attend Codependents Anonymous meetings since I am no longer in a relationship with someone who has an alcohol use disorder.
You can find an Al-Anon meeting at Al-Anon.org
You can find a codependency meeting at CoDa.org
Read
There are so many incredible books that have helped me. A great place to start is by reading “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. It does a great job of dissecting codependency and offers incredibly helpful solutions. I reference this book constantly.
I’m still on a healing journey and healing is not linear. Some days are harder than others. But for the first time in years I can honestly say that I love myself. I do not need anyone else to validate me. My relationships feel more genuine because I am coming from a place of love and respect rather than a place of people pleasing and a desire to be needed. I want this feeling for everyone.
I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from author Beverly Engel:
“It is only when we feel deprived that we resent giving to others. Self care does not mean you stop caring about others, it just means you start caring more about you. Start thinking about yourself more and others less. Since you have a choice between taking care of someone else or giving to yourself, try choosing yourself sometimes.”
Take care of yourself and let the healing begin.
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