Finding the Beauty in Dating Myself
Image from “Sex and the City” Courtesy of HBO
I surely didn’t think at 30 years old I would just now be finding the beauty in dating myself. However, here we are. It took me a while to dapple into this playing field for many reasons. From my childhood where neither parent was present, to an adult relationship from the age of 17 to 28 that deepened my pain, boy was I in for an awakening. Not the awakening we see as a burden, but the awakening that for ONCE has begun to fill my soul.
Through this new journey, I endeavored the realization that I suffer from so many traumatic events in my life. These events planted seeds of abandonment, lack of trust, and lack of self-worth. I remember as a child feeling like I wasn’t enough because if I was, why wouldn’t my parents feel the need to let go of drugs and alcohol to be in my life? This was enhanced when I entered my first teen/adult relationship with the first boy I loved at the depths that I had loved him.
Now looking back it was in this fear of abandonment and the need to feel worthy (which he made me feel, but only for a short period) that I stayed. Stayed throughout years of experiencing events that would ultimately intensify what I unknowingly was already suffering from. Now 2 years after this relationship your girl is finally out on the scene, with HERSELF.
It is on my dates with myself that I comfort these parts of me.
I pick settings that are quiet most time. Settings where my mind can wander and where I can take in each moment. Not to be confused with every now and again, I feed my urge for loud music and chaotic settings. I mean let’s face it, it’s about balance here. There is so much beauty in both. I find myself gathering up the feelings I feel in these settings and taking them with me to digest and release. I only eat and drink things I have never tried on these dates. I am here in Atlanta so I am constantly being complimented which makes the experience even more interesting.
Constantly complementing the person I elude. It is the natural beauty they see in me that makes me want to heal the hurt parts of me as well. There is so much beauty in these parts of you/me. I focus on those parts while out. I focus on what thoughts I have when the silence is so loud. Who knows you better than yourself? We would think this is a black-and-white statement. It is far from such.
Dating myself made me realize that I was deeper in trauma than I thought.
I did not ever once think it was not this deep, I just wanted to ignore it. I am so used to constant disappointments, hurt, and abandonment from men that I didn’t realize it was a work-through for this feeling. More importantly, it made me DO THE WORK. I only want to date the best version of myself. If this means I pick a date and stick to it, then that is what I do. Normally when I feel down I would cancel a plan, now I am excited and focused on the place where I will spend time more than the feeling I feel. Another thing I try to do is if I didn’t like the energy I was giving myself on the last date, I make sure I focus on vibrating much higher the next time around.
It reminds me that there is so much beauty in the journey.
So much beauty in the happy, glowing, and flowing with-the-wind space that I am in. I am undeniably beautiful in this as much as I was as a hurting child, hurting adult, and unhealed person. My self-worth has always been worthy of being comforted and transformed. Thankfully through this dating stage of dating myself. I have found the momentum, and until I am ready, I will enjoy this journey!
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