Reset Your Attachment Style: A Conversation with Relationship Therapist Erica Turner
There’s probably a chance that you’ve heard of and know all about attachment styles by now. You might have even researched to figure out which relates most to you. However, if you are still unaware of attachment styles and how they can affect relationships, we’ve got you covered. Recently, we had the pleasure of speaking with relationship expert and Founder of Your Relationship Reset, Erica Turner, about attachment styles, and she gave us some incredibly valuable information on how we can ditch our unhealthy attachment styles and reset them to form a more secure one.
Before we get into the juicy part of the conversation, it’s important to understand attachment styles and how they are formed. Erica explained, "Attachment styles are how you attach and relate to someone else.” They are typically formed during childhood and are contingent upon the relationship one has with their primary caregiver. The different types of attachment styles are:
Secure
Anxious/Ambivalent
Dismissive Avoidant
Disorganized or Fearful Avoidant
Talkspace.com describes a secure attachment as the healthiest form of attachment style, and according to HelpGuide.org, 50 to 60% of the population have one. We wondered how we could establish a more secure attachment and if the steps varied based on our current attachment style. Erica informed us that the steps will look different for each style because each one deals with a different set of coping skills.
Below is a brief overview of our discussion on the two most common styles outside of the secure attachment style. Or, if you prefer to watch the full conversation, check out the video below.
Anxious attachment
Erica explained that “this attachment style fears disconnection and is most likely externally focused on the other person.” This may be because they have dealt with abandonment in their childhood and may need to address unhealed wounds. The best way to build a more secure attachment for the anxiously attached person is to start by noticing themselves and tuning their attention inward for the first time and becoming connected to themselves because they are so focused on maintaining connection outside of themselves that they often abandon and neglect what’s going on within. They are so focused on what is happening with the outside world that they don’t think about what they want,” shared Erica.
The thing to consider if you have this style is to start by asking yourself questions like “What do I like?”, “What are my boundaries?” “What are my values, and how do I want someone to treat me?” You can begin your journey of reflecting inward by journaling, going on solo dates, and looking for opportunities to be more present with yourself.
Dismissive Avoidant
Erica mentioned, “This group likely grew up in a home where closeness, intimacy, and connection wasn’t happening a lot and probably attempted to connect as a young child and were dismissed or cast off.” This would cause them to avoid closeness because there is no positive association with it, resulting in their tendency to keep everyone at arm's length. Dismissive attachment styles are internally focused, and for them to build a more secure attachment, they must start to consider and think about others. Additionally, they must begin by working on their triggers, and Erica suggests they start “by understanding their core belief that they hold that is fueling their behavior.” She states they should “get in tune with what they are thinking when their partner makes a bid for connection.” If thoughts of ‘this is too much’ creep in, she encourages them to go deeper and determine what they are really fearful of and where this thought and feeling stems from.
Can we exhibit different attachment styles in different relationships?
“Yes,” Erica declares, “attachment exists on a spectrum, and how you show up is impacted by who you are dealing with.” She explains, "When you deal with someone who is secure, you will have a different way of dealing with this individual versus if you deal with someone who is inconsistent because inconsistency breeds anxiety.” She states, "There is nothing wrong with being anxious because your anxiety tells you something and is information for you. What matters is how you respond to your anxiety because you are not honoring yourself by hiding your feelings — tune inward, listen to how you feel, and figure out what you need and communicate that.”
She states that we should communicate our needs in a willing, honest, and open way by being direct and using assertive communication. That looks like being clear, sticking to the facts, explaining how their actions or words made you feel, and mentioning what you need and prefer, then suggesting a discussion. Erica shares, “Their response will tell you everything you need to know about their capacity, emotional availability, and maturity.” If they respond by using any emotional manipulation tactics, deflecting or refusing to hold themselves accountable, it could indicate that their capacity for an emotionally mature relationship is low. If that is the case, a decision must be made to continue entertaining the relationship. In some cases, walking away may be mutually beneficial for both parties.
Building the courage to walk away is difficult and can be painful if an emotional bond has been formed. However, you must choose yourself and remember that it’s okay to grieve relationships.
Ask yourself what you were getting from the relationship and what needs were and weren’t being met because you can most likely get them elsewhere. If you seek connection, you can join communities that will fill that void and may even put you in a position to find and build better connections and relationships.
For more on attachment styles, Erica suggests that we read The Power of Attachment and check out the courses she has available on her website. She has a 3-day master class coming up at the end of this month entitled Abandonment to Abundance: Creating a Lasting Love that is designed to heal your abandonment wounds and empower you to create a legendary love.
About Erica
Erica Turner is a relationship therapist & dating coach who uses her clinical expertise plus personal experiences to help you create a love that lasts. Erica's passion for her work is driven by her own history of unfulfilling relationships that led her on a journey to self-discovery. The day that Erica realized she had an anxious attachment style was the day that she committed herself to healing so that she could end the cycle of dead-end dating. Erica is the attachment style expert that you need to help you explore how your attachment style influences how you show up in your relationships, heal the dating patterns keeping you stuck, and attract your dream partner.
Check out her website here.
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