Single is Not a Bad Word
There was a time in my life where I was very triggered by the word “single.” Yes, just hearing or seeing the word got me bothered:
“Why are you single?”
“Are you still single?”
“How long have you been single?”
What should be a normal question to ask a new date or friend, felt like daggers to me. When asked these questions, I could feel my body warming, my face turning up, and a lump coming to my throat. I have been single for a decade and I would get extremely frustrated by the fact that I was not spoken for. Dating is hard; I wanted a partner just as much as the next girl. I was in the streets, I was going on dates, but I was still coming up short. So I was honestly even more annoyed that I was constantly being asked about my status because I didn’t even want to be single! But there’s nothing wrong with being single.
At some point in my life I began to internalize negative perceptions about singleness. And as much I hate to admit it, it affected how I showed up or felt about myself sometimes. Why did hearing the word single or being reminded that I was single feel like such a bad thing to me? And where did I develop these thoughts about singleness?
“Being single is such a beautiful space to be in - so who told me to feel this way?”
A quick history lesson will give some insight. Women only began to have legal rights to work and vote about 100 years ago. Our fathers and husbands were the ones who made decisions and controlled finances. This meant that women had to marry in order to have a source of income (her husbands), and any chance at a stable life and family. So being without a partner did have negative repercussions.
Listen to the Listen To Your Single Friend Podcast
But times have changed, women are not viewed as property anymore (at least legally)! Women can work, vote, buy their own homes, and even have children without a husband or any romantic partner at all. Yet, somehow the shame and negative feelings around being single still have not dissipated. On TV and in the media, single women are portrayed as sad, lonely, and pathetic or hypersexual, party animals, with a revolving door in our love lives. What if I am neither or what if I am both? And let’s not forget the “bitter hard-working successful independent woman who can’t get no man.” (I side-eye all of Gabrielle Union's characters from the 2000s for this reason!) Knowing that single women can now live thriving and successful lives without a mate, why is society still upholding these dumb narratives?
When someone tells me they are married or in a relationship I do not make any assumptions about who they are as a person, or what their lifestyle is like. I just get to know them, as an individual who happens to have a partner. I am a woman who just happens to be single today. That tells you nothing about my hopes, dreams, wishes, values, passions, integrity, etc. Nor does it tell you about what I like to do and what my lifestyle is like.
“A relationship status is not a personality trait!”
These conversations are vital to combat the societal stigmatization of single people. However, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how we as single people need to stop wearing singleness like a scarlet letter. Single is all I’ve known for years, I get it. But it is not who I am. I understand that we get frustrated sometimes, and those feelings may cause insecurities that can be hard to fight without the validation of a partner. But stop making singleness your identity. Not only can it cause conflict later on when a relationship does occur, but it's just not a healthy outlook to have.
Singleness is not monolithic. The issue with defining ourselves by these titles is that it’s limiting and unfairly characterizes those of us who are partnerless. As we work to deconstruct this narrative that people who are single are sad, lonely, souls just looking to be saved, it’s also important that we show up in REAL life. We are just normal people! So single people have work to do in this advocacy: Like breaking up with this idea that being single makes us less than. Or feeling bad about being one of the few single people in the group. Or, one of the worst offenses, waiting for a partner to start living life to the fullest!
Being a single woman means showing up every day as yourself, without carrying the stigma society dumps on us for not having a partner. There is joy in being single, just like there is joy in all seasons of life. It is okay to not want to be single, but you still must make peace with yourself. I am a happy single woman who would love to have a partner. I also get to come home and I do not have to answer to anybody when I get there. I don’t have to cook every day, I can leave my clothes around. I don’t have to check in, or consider anyone in my plans and daily activities. I love myself and invest in myself. I am free!
“The grass is greener on the side that I water.”
Yes, I joke about how dating sucks and the pool has pee in it, but I know there are great men out there, I am being open-minded, I am trying, and that’s enough. I am enough. With or without a partner. I have hobbies and passions and an amazing community of people who love and care about me. I put out good vibes and try to attract that same energy back. Sometimes I get lonely, sometimes I am simply just alone. A relationship status does not dictate my worthiness or happiness. I am being present, living my best life, man or not, and there’s nothing bad about that!
It took some time for me to stop becoming angry from being asked about my single status. I was simply projecting all the feelings society and the media told me to. I was also upset because the simple solution was just getting a man, so I wouldn’t feel that way anymore. In the last few years, I learned that I didn’t need a partner to validate me. Changing my mentality on what being single meant to me, made a huge difference and it helped me show up better in the dating world. For example: I had to practice my responses to those common questions and I had to believe them!
“How long have you been single?” I have not been in a relationship in a while, but I date and have met some great men and made some great connections. “Are you still single?” Yes, I am! I am looking as well, did you have anyone in mind? “Why are you single?” I am dating and I am still looking to find my match. Single is just a word. And I do not give that word the power to make me feel anything: good or bad. Singleness needs to be normalized, not stigmatized.
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